Enchanted Poison

http://fractalfragments.blogspot.com/

"Sometimes you gonna argue
Sometimes you gonna fight
Sometimes it's gonna feel like it will never be right
But something so strong, keeps you holdin on"
i held on tight for a while, even when i thought that he was pushing me so hard to quit, like he wanted me to quit ( if i had to hear 'babe if you dont wanna see me anymore just say it' one more time.. lol ). im not a give up on it kinda gal. keep on thinking you gotta go thru all the bad to get to the good.
i was starting to see that i couldnt deal w all the stupid fights that shouldnt have been fights..ever. and so i was starting to put aside myself and my stance and my standards. and at some point.. i realized i shouldnt have to. i went back to a woman ain't a woman if she ain't woman enough
To love you when you're right, Love you when you're wrong, Love you when you're weak, Love you when you're strong, Take you higher, When the world got you feelin low.She's giving you her best, even when you're at your worst Givin comfort, when she's thinking that you're hurt. That's what's done, when you really love someone- but a real man knows a real woman when he sees her. And a real woman knows a real man Ain't 'fraid to please her. And a real woman knows a real man always comes first And a real man just can't deny A woman's worth. and i dont think that he was at that point.. heh, i should have understoof better and really believed him when he said he cant give me what he thinks i deserve. i think now i have a better opinion on what i think i deserve, even tho it hasnt changed much i eserve aman whos gonna treat mehow i treat him.
the shitty part about this is theres never a "cant" only an "i dont want to, or an i dont want to work for it, etc" with that.. him and i are just at two different places and for once.. its a seemingly very sane break up. and i hope now all the stupid shit drops out of the picture and we can still go get lunch and talk about whatever.
im feeling better about this.
the only reason i broke it off is cause i can not fight anymore. its too much and it hurts too much. if i had to add on to that id say that we just arent in the same place- we've each got growing to do.

Everything is complicated somehow. lol.
School starts monday and im excited!! im also a little bit nervous but its the good kind of nervous. I think that the work load will be good for me in a few ways, i can continue to try and become more responsible, and work on my study habits. and i cant wait to learn all the stuff that the courses have to offer! lol and just thinking of relaxing after the long days, maybe a bath or a beer..lol, but maybe a few nights of the week.. the longer days... wednesdays! lol. i love after the long shitty day seeing my dude, and just reelllaaxxxing :) and he makes me laugh. and everything falls back into perspective cause its all just temporary, and its all just learning and growing and i love both! lol
speaking of my man, weve been fighting alot more recently, and its alot about of stupid shit, really no kidding huh? its feeling like a combonation of me trying to understand to a T whats going on w how i feel and why and whats going on with him and how he feels and why, and its just feeling like.. thers small things, ( ie:like he used to tell me i was beautiful and sexy and i dont think it was just to boost my confidence in an intimate setting but it stopped... so id bring it up and ask why and itd turn into fights. he asked if i meant if he should complimant my clothes more.. and its just.. hopeless feeling at times.im so not going into this..lol) im trying to communicate better, and im trying to be comfortable talking about how im feeling but right now im thinkin what ever im doing is not helping w the stupid fights, so im trying to relax more and i think itll help out alot. He recently said how he thinks maybe more space is good.. and im glad he said it cause i wouldnt ever have the courage too. lol. - that goes back to what id said a while ago about just always beeing there no matter what was on my own plate or when i needed space ive always had a hard time expressing that before it was a sticky mess..lol but yeah, im glad that he wants to see me a few days in a row and all and i love being here for him whenever.. , but the times where i REAlly could have used his support and just being there, and it was just not meshing up. lol the days hed wanna chill in a row id be indifferent and then when id be like wow shitty day hed want the space.. so im like ugh, marshals law. lol THIS way, hopefully - finger crossed- we can see eachother when he feels like having fun and good times, and just keep a calm atmosphere the other times, and when i need the end of the long day bunny i can just try to holler at him. :D part of me is a little worried i may have said something stupid.. but i think it just rolled off.. i think i misunderstood..and made a dork of myself.. but uhhh.. hope for the best?! lol so im excited and i think that we're really on a good path here to less fighting about stupid stuff that shoundnt have even been a fight, and on a path to fun and more and more increasingly awesome time and laughs together.
and i love the laughter. its.. beautiful. i sound like a dork. i know. and im okay w that, cause im happy and thats nuts. and im such a girl and its insaaannnee but so much fun.. and way too exspensive.. lol.
what else is goin on... well Ive got a few new art pieces im working on and im excited to see how they come out :) ive got one thats based on a song, and the song to me was about how the guy is missing his lady whom he loves, and shes seemingly gone away, idk if shes gone away by choice or what, im not even sure shes died.. but i didntuse her that way. i used her as the bright, the hopeful, the happy, shes the brightest thing on the page. and theres also the beauty of paradise - often seen as a beack, with the long faceless, formless line of people who thing theyre last, everyone.. a line of lasts. and in it the people are changing from black and figureless to upside-down seemingly dancing like flames. and theres a big sun over the water in the beach, but the sun is dieing and becoming a black hole.. and the beach is checker board- a game, and similar to games, rish factors. so i think its.. she felt like she was last in a line of lasts and she felt down and she went to chase her dreams in her definition of paradise, shes reashing for him to join her.. and toss away the worlds hate and toss away the worlds anger, and just have .. love i guess. ... anyways, the piece isnt done yet.. lol and i showed my mom and she didnt see quite what id saw in it.. so maybe its serving as a practice piece.. from this drawing ill learn how to better get my point accross. either way, i cant wait. and im excited about the big eyes painting ive got going on, aAAAANNNNNNDDDD only three months until Bunny and i have been together for one year!
woooo hooo! lol its been an awesome journey and i cant wait for the next year. i mean.. wow ive learned alot. and ive laughed alot! lol. and its like.. all the negative and all the bullshit falls away when im with him. and thats pretty awesome. i can try to put my shit aside to spare the fights just to enjoy us. idk yet, but maybe this is the best relationship ive been in. how exciting.. im setting my own records here folks! lol and even tho hes not big on the artsy stuff.. his support is priceless. and when he moves to follow his dreams and i move to follow my dreams.. even tho at times i question the things we have in common thatll keep us in contact on the regular.. i think that just the brightnes and light, and happy, and the joy and laughter that he brings will keep me in contact. and i hope that hes got something similar thatll keep him writing/texting me too when he moves. im so excited for him. lol and im so excited for me. im just.. really, really happy. aloooooot of the time. and im always laughing and dancing and singing now. haha, i recomend it for everyone!
so get on top of that guys! chop chop!

Well I Search For A Chick Like Me Who Blows Dro Cuz She Can Appreciate How The Sticky Burns So Slow; You Know A Young Chick With A Old Soul. Set Through The Fire Just To Hold Hands While The Coals Glow... Ill Build A House Around Her We Could Fill It With Seeds And Be Like Adam And Eve In The Garden Of Eden. We Can Grow Old Watch It Rain And Snow And See The Sun Rise And Fall Over Yonder No. And When The Coals Burn Out Cuz One Of Us Is Gone And The Other Is Broken Hearted Left To Live Life Alone.. You Used To Listen To Me Complain About My Real Bad Days Rub My Neck And My Back And Make It All Go Away. Always There With An Encouraging Word. I Couldnt Imagine Having To Be Here Without You. And Im So Scared Of Losing You And You Say Boo Boo Im Never Gunna Leave You And

Then She Sing To me. Uh Lil Momma Your Eyes The Candle Light Magnumfies Hazel Turned Grey Then Bluer Than A Summer Day. Baby Wanna Run Away -Far Away To Some Other Place Where We Can Lay Tangled In One Anothers Embrace. By The Fire Blaze Here Were Old And Gray From Rock A Ware To Rockin Chairs Whatever You Need Just Call And Imma Be There. Wasnt Prepared To Lose You It Hurt Me So. You Were Addictive And Letting You Go And No Walk Through The Park.. I Remember, The Nights I Just Sat There In The Dark, Pistol Beside Me, Ready To Use It Right In The Head And Then I Remember Somethin You Once Said Layin Next To Me Naked Breathin Heavy In The Bed. You Said Just Wanna Spend The Rest Of My Life With You Through The Good Times And The Bad We Make These Cowards Run And Hide And I Just Wanna Spend The Rest Of My Life With You Through The Good Times And The Bad
Well Uh Police Pull Us Over Im Squeaky Clean Haha 28 Grams In Your Bra. While I Blaze The Haze As We Rode Off How Could You Be So Hard And Still So Soft.. All The Nights When We Used To Ride You Held My Tone. My Luck Uh Middle Saprano All Of My Heart Homacide Detectives Have To Pry Us Apart Who'd Of Thought We'd Part The Way That We Did. .. Does Your New Man Do It Like That? Candle Wax Down The Small Of Your Back, Does He Bite Your Neck, Does He Nibble On Your Collar Bone? Do You Still Think About Me When Your All Alone? You Used To. Grab You And Hold You Tight And He'd Of Been Back Tomorrow But Its Cold Tonight.

just lke i said i would. i said forever ago that id tell him. he gave me two songs as his response in reference to him and i and how he felt.
i finally told him i felt like he was playin games w me and how i didnt understand why. i said that hes the type opf man whos always done what he needed and alwaays worked for what he wanted until it was his. hes the type of man who i looked up to at times. hes the type to never let himself down and as far as i know (and for lack of better words) he alwasy gets what he wants. iv known him long enough to feel safe saying that.. and with that, im calling his bluff.
if he did come out and do whatever say whatever and yadda yadda, id 1-be shocked. and 2- try to tell him its too little too late cause im already with somebody.
he didnt say much when i told him how i felt. eventually he said it didnt make sense why hed stuck around for so many years if he was just playin. i guess i didnt have an answer. and maybe i wont anytime soon. he sent me these songs after that and let them speak since we were each quiet.

Title: Immortal Technique - You Never Know lyrics
youtube song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pqiqrnZE44

[Verse 1]
She was on her way to becoming a college graduate
Wouldn't even stop to talk to the average kid
The type of latina I'd sit and contemplate marriage with
Fuck the horse and carriage shit, her love was never for hire
Disciplined, intellectual beauty's what I desire
Flyer than Salma Hayek or Jennifer Lopez
Everyone told me, kickin' it to her was hopeless
At first I just thought, she didn't mess with broke kids
The thug niggaz always talking about, how they smoke kids
But the rich-sniff-coke kids got no play
"I'm not even interested" is what her body language would say
Everyone around the way, gave up trying to get in it
It didn't matter how good your game was, she wasn't with it
On the block, bitches was jealous, but wouldn't admit it
Talk shit, and deny to everyone that they did it
'Cause they regreted the long list of niggaz that they let hit it
And no one ever gave them shit except McDonald's and did-dick
Smoking weed with thoughts of envy, whenever they lit it
She smoked intelligently and they bit it, always trying to copy
But when they tried to use her vocab, they sounded sloppy
She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure
I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn't a cure

[Hook - Jean Grae]
Don't you know that, time waits for no man
Not fate, it's all planned
I'm blessed just to know you
I've loved and I've lost just to hold you all night
Can't find, a reason why
God came, to you and I
If I had the chance again, I'd never let you go
Hold tight to your love, 'cause you never know

[Verse 2]
Her eyes are brown and beautiful, yet empty and sad
I used to talk to her occasionally, and she was glad
That I wasn't just another nigga trying to get in it
So every now and then we'd stop and talk for a minute
I didn't have a gimmick so the minutes turned to hours
On her birthday, I gave her a poem with flowers
Then I took her out to dinner after her cousin's baby shower
We talked about, power to the people and such
We spent more time together but it was never enough
I never tried to sneak a touch, or even cop a feel
I was too interested, in keeping it real
Perfectly honest and complete, she would always call me "carino,"
And never Technique, bought me a new book to read every 2 or 3 weeks
Forever changing the expression of my thoughts when I speak
It was because of her, I even deaded all of my freaks
She convinced me, to stop hangin' out on the streets
To stop robbin' and stealin', from people like you
Instead I took her out to the Apollo and the Bronxu
We sailed in Barrio (?) and the Metropolitan too
Got to the point when I was either with her or my crew
So I decided one day, to tell her my feelings was true
I couldn't live without her so I told her, facing my fears
But honey's only response, was a face full of tears
She could only sob hysterically, holding me tight
I tried to speak, but she wouldn't stop until I left sight
I felt like a moth who got himself too close to the light
Except I didn't burn, I turned cold after that night

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
I went on with my life, college and my career
Ended up locked up like an animal for a year
Where the C.O.'s talk to you like they were the overseer
Then I got sent to the hole, when my exit was near
At night in my cell, I'd close my eyes and I'd see her
Hold her close in my dreams, but when I woke she disappeared
Just an empty cell until the state gave me parole in the summer
came back, in tact and on track
But the fact of the matter, is I still felt cold
Even after my mother, hugged me, cryin' at home
My real niggaz would catch me thinkin', out of my zone
Fuckin' lots of different women, but I still felt alone
Relatively well-known around the New York underground
But I kept thinking of her and how we used to be down
The sound of her voice, and the beautiful smell of her hair
Though gone physically, somehow it was still there
I had to do something, because the shit was too much to bear
So I went and visited the building where she used to live
The world looks a lot different after you do a bid
The way your life done changed
While primitive minds (are) still stuck in the same game
Like her cousin who was on the corner slangin' cocaine
Stepped in the lobby and tapped the button next to her last name
Her mom buzzed me up and hugged me up, like a mother oughta
But her facial expression changed, when I asked about her daughter

[Hook]

[Verse 4]
She told me that there was a note for me, that was left behind
She had left it there waiting, for such a long time
I was inclined to ask about it but she brought it up first
I saw a tear swelling up in her eye, and then she cursed
She told me where the letter was and I started thinking the worst
Reversed my position, stepped over and opened the door
And sure enough there was an envelope with my name on the floor
"Nobody loves you more than me carino" is what the letter said

"By the time you get to read this, I'll probably be dead
But when you left in '97 a part of me went to Heaven
I thank God at least I got to know what love really was
But it hurt me, to see what true love really does
'Cause even though we never made love, you were all that there was
It was because I loved you so much that I had to make you leave
You made me doubt the way I thought, you made me want to believe
And then I slipped up, and I let you get close to me
It was hard to not be openly when people spoke to me
This was not the way I thought my life was supposed to be
Baby don't you see, I had a blood transfusion that left me with HIV
Hoped the end exists for me since late in 1993
I died a virgin, I wish I could've given myself to you
I cried in the hospital because there was no one else but you
Promise that you'll meet me in paradise inevitably
No matter what, I'll keep your love forever with me"

What happened for the rest of the day is still a blur
But I remember wishing that I was dead, instead of her
She was buried on August 3rd
The story ends without a sequel
And now you know why Technique, don't fucking fall in love with people
Hold the person that you love closely if they're next to you
The one you love, not the person that'll simply have sex with you
Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond
'Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone
-immortal technique

and im unable to find the lyrics to the other but heres its youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRrqyM6cilk

i finally got to meet some more of his homies, and theyre alll awesome. lol. only part that bothers me is he sticks me w the women and says go do woman shit. on the one hand id like to think hes kidding. on the other what the fuck? lol we both know i cant talk american idol or the last dancer whatever we both know immore a tomboy. i guess it was awkward being forced into chillax w the women because im "supposed to".
i know im usually quiet when meeting ppl at first .. i like to observe and size ppl up. but i feel like i made a really poor impression w how quiet i was w everyone. my dude mentioned how im the youngest there besides his brother. but age hasnt ever been a thing. charles is 42. jade and lita are like 25 ish. nichelles 26. todds 25. ll the ppl i kick it with in ny are 24-29. mikes almost 50. so i dont think its an age thing.
i guess its just wierd.. i mean ive been pretty good all the time when it comes to partys and mingling and not having to stay w whoever i came w the whole time. and then there i got to go hang out with the women. who, by the way, are all drop dead gorgeous. lol but if i kicked it w dudes i guess i feel played down like this isnt my place why am i here.
and i wished i was doing something right so that he wasnt asking if im okay the whole time. jeez like im a fragile vally girl who needs to be checked on.
everytime weve gone out before i felt like everyone wasequals. ive never felt discriminated against for being a woman with my own dude. go hang out with the women. go do woman shit. you need to get along with the women. its good for you. you need to get along w the women[because its my best friends lady].
dont get me wrong. everyone there was awesome.
i think it was just the context that bothered me.
and i cant tell if hes kidding.
i thought he liked who i was- which is why were together.. right? but go hang w the women.
it was a very belittleing experience w him and ive got mixed feeligs on it. mainly cause i want to think hes kidding around. if i bring this up w him hes going to laugh it off because it does sound so stupid. agreed.
im not the type to take a "shut up" and get told where my place is... with the women.
and its not like i hate women. and these particular ones were real nice, generous, and kind and seemed pretty awesome.. but i still cant talk shopping and reality tv and about kids.
this was a wnoderful ramble where ive gone full circle saying nothing with alot of words to end u where i started which was nowhere. awesome.

remind me later to tell you about the man at the airport with the flowers.
---

it was the middle of the night. the room was dark and i was cozy and safe laying in bed with him. at times our legs seemed to make a celtic knot, but at the time we were just cuddled up by our subconcious with eachother. i remember being wrapped in a blanket with my foot sticking out and feeling the cool air slowly flooding the room from the open window.
was my phone ringing? or was it all a dream, was i dreaming now? if im dreaming now, i told myself, then surley my phone was really ringing.. it was too far out of reach to get it. it didnt ring again. i didnt dream again.
my alarm went off at 4am, when its still dark and theres nothing but silence; silence and the whirling of the fan inthe room. as i reached for the sleep button, i saw the number on my missed call log. damnit. i should have answered. it was too late now. there was a voicemail.i breathed in a million thoughts..and breathed out the worry in hopes that times have surely changed for them too.
the sleep was some of the best id had in a long while. my headache was gone, my body felt..like it worked- lol, and i was in peace the moment i opened my eyes...
by the time i left the sun was slowly peeping in the sky. i checked the time, i had plenty, and was again reminded by the little grey voicemail envelope icon on the screen. breathe in fear and worry. breathe out worry.
i hit the freeway.
thats what i needed.. what i wanted.. open road, freedom, control, air, a million different choices and noone giving a damn. i was cruising at 75 when some fools passed me up like i was standing still.. downside about my paradise is that only 2-3 feet away theres a chance of someone willing to take it all from you. not with a gun, not with a knife, not by force, not by choking you, but with something you love, and somewhere you love. and theyll do it without ever knowing your name, without ever caring... because they just bought new hooker headers and had to see what they could do.
breathe in life, love and passion; breathe out fear.
i passed shea, and checked my phone.. still making nice time and still seeing the envelope. breathe in. breathe out.
i dialed 1 and held it. my voice mail. breathe in. please enter your password. breather out. youve got one new voice mail. by now im trying to swallow my heart back down to my chest. my gut says this is going to be bad.. my chest says dont be such a worrier, dont manifest the bad.
his voice is... familiar but terrified sounding. and quick and confused sounding. breathe in. breathe out.something happened to his son. he wasnt sure if he was going to make it. he wasnt sure what to do. he blamed himself. he appologied for calling.. studdered.. and said that he thought id have something.. some advece maybe, like back in the day..
his number brought back memories, more bad than good, faces, places, parties, sounds, feelings, bad memories, fear, strength, doubt, courage... i dialed it withought going thru the call back screen. 6....0....2....4...8...jeez, my fingers still remember the patteren the that the numbers made, ive never dialed his number from this phone and my ifngers know it like i called him last..2... breathe in.. what if its bad....6....breather out.. what if its...
"hello"
"hey. sorry i didnt-"
"no its my fault for trying to get you so late."
"so whats-"
"hes only 22..." his voice breaks.
picture the 38 year old man who started showing ME how to be a man, who showed me how to handle myself. who showed me how to lie and how to steal. picture the 38 year old man whos son was 22 and hung out on the regular basis with one of my brothers. they even worked together at the club as bouncers and at wendys as cooks, and they did meth together. and they were there when i found out andy had cancer, and anthony was going over seas, and were there when megan was raped by the barrel of a gun.they were there when we stole a cheesecake from the store to celebrate- i dont even know what anymore. and when i heard kyle was going to jail. and they were there when pinky had a seizure and gave me props for being the only one who knew how to react. picture a 38 year old father who wants his son to make it into a big big latino gang. picture a 22 year old son who cant think clearly because of all the drugs. who never finished highschool. and cant hold a job. who got a girl pregnant and then she killed herself. picture a son who never knew what he wanted except he new he wanted to make it for his dad. picture two men you could never trust, even tho one may very well be why youre still alive it seems. picture the reason you lock your doors at night, andthe reason i want to anyone wants to buy a gun, these are the people who break into homes and steal your cars, these are the men who collect welfare and do nothing to make things better. picture people you thought you could trust at one point being the ones who stabbed you in the back at the worst time. picture the son high on meth cornering you at the bus stop telling you if he sees you high on that shit again that hell kill you. i remember that. and i remember thinking to myself..hmm thats funny, you can smoke crystals and give them to my brothers, and you can hot rail and help push jason over the edge and stand by as he goes to prison for your shit.aside from the top "floater" reasons why i used back there were the other reasons. look at everything id done.. and poeple were proud? proud of these things? these things that.. i learned from them. from them. from ppl around them.
another car flys past me on the freeway. im still going 75. i can feel the pull as they passed, they were hella close.
i say "i dont want to know what happened. but is everyone okay"
i can hear noise in the background. and a baby crying and a woman screaming.
he explains hes in the hospital. and that his son had gone out and walked a line a few months ago. and he was a part of it. that it wasnt what he thought itd be. i got the impression that he felt bad for wanting his son to live this life. i imagine security being near by as the man coverend in tattoos and in scars and ripped clothes talks into his phone. picture a man who was once a man whos long been lost turned into something thats not a man at all after geetting his son on the same drugs that hes on. oh the american dream.
picture me wondering what happened exactly that i used to be around this sonova bitch every day. and that my brothers and little sister were around him near every day.
he says "i dont know if hes going to make it" his voice cracks again "he wasnt moving".
long story short, his son was out being a part of the lifestyle he wanted to badly and he even got to tote a gun. a gun that hed shoot in a meth fed rage. and shoot someone..the wrong someone. he may have been in a meth rage..and i may have said theyre souless..but he aparently tried to kill himself because of it.
i picture his dad strung out, trying to cry but finding nothing there. i picture him more scared than afraid. not even really worried abouthis son but worried about what will happen to him now. what now.
i breathe in...
i explain that im not a part of any of that. and i conciously chose to sever contact with him and his son and others. i tell him that theres nothing that could be said or that could be done to change what was going on. i tell him im not who i was and altho i was a dadass/bad guy i wasnt the one corrupting kids with crystals and dreams of warfare in thier own neighborhoods. i explained that i was once weak and that i trusted a man that my brothers trusted. and that i learned an entirley different world that was thriving at the exact same time and in the exact same place that the rest of the world was dying in. i explained that the last conversation we had even tho i was still young, hell im young now, i didnt want him or anyone like him around me or my family. i knew i wanted a family. in a time where i thought there was no hope and no light and no faith and no justice other than what you couldphysically fight for.. i knew i wanted a family. not one where theres manifestos on what to do when you go to jail. not one where people die and people kill other people. in a time where i tried to kill myself even.. i knew i wanted a family. holly hell there was hope. damnit all if that didnt burn.
breathe out.
i say "mal, im sad to hear that things are the way they are. every moments a new chance to turn it all around.. take that for what its worth to you. ive got to go now."
--
breathe in.
breathe out.
long blink.
-- he says some words and we disconnect.
i have mixed emotions at this point. on the one hand i have so many memories with these dudes. on the other, the dudes i knew have long been lost to meth and drugs. i think i was upset knowing that he wasnt there enought to fully take in what was happening. i think i was upset because i knew this was something i couldnt help at all with. no advice no words were going to make it better.
i hadnt heard from them for over uh.. two ish years. around when i first got my apt i think.
.
i go to work. i go home. i go to the gym. and my man picks me up in the evening. we go out to eat. i tried to talk to him.. he wants names.. i just wanted to talk.. a story with no names.. the names dont matter. the conversation didnt get much past hey if my phone rings and im sleeping.. wake me up it could be important. heh..
he makes me laugh. and with laughter everythings better, atleast a little bit. passt fades back to where it belongs, in the past. and im free to live in the pressent again.

i want to live by the sea or the ocean. be it in europe or in austrailia, still in the states or wherever. i want to be near the water. i want to be near nature; be part of nature.
i hope that with luck ill be able to travel abroad for a small part of my studies.
.....
all of our knowlege has its origins in our perceptions... the eye, which is called the window to the soul, is the chief means wereby the understanding may most fully and abundantly appreciate the infinate words of nature... and experience never errs. its only our judgement that errs in promising itself results that arent cause by experience.
so then with "quarls" there is no true science.. because truth only ends one way, right? wherever it is known controversy is silenced for all time, and should controversy nevertheless again arise, then our conclusions must have been uncertain and confused and not truth reborn.
and how wisdom is the daughter of experience. altho nature begins with the cause and ends with the experience, we must follow the opposite course, namely, begin withthe experience and by experience, investigate the cause.
..and in the end the mountains will be levelled by the waters, seeing that they wash away the earth. which covers them and unconvers thier rocks. which begin to crumble. and subdued alike by heat and frost are being continually changed into soil. the waters wear away thier bases and the mountains fall bit by bit into ruin in the rivers.. and by reason, of this ruin, the waters rise in a swirling flood and form great seas.

my mind feels like its being changed into soil.
not always. but sometimes.
the rest of the time..

do with it. but writing it down has only kept it on my chest. im not posting because i necesarily want to talk about it.. but maybe i do anyways.. here it is:

It was one of those things that you don’t remember because it was so traumatic that your mind just pushes it deep deep away somewhere; somewhere where you don’t actually have to deal with it. ever. not a secret, not a fear, but something that really shook your world into disarray- again.
And I didn’t remember.. for years. It wasn’t until I ws out with some girlfriends and we were cruising, we had been given bad directions and im looking out the window just watching cars and buildings go by. Then I see it. I see the hotel. and my memory kicks in... I knew going into it that the outcome wasn’t anything desirable. i didnt appreciate him stalking me. moreso i didnt appreciate him stalking my sister. i rather him play stupid games with me- or try to - than with my sister. atleast if push came to shove i felt like i could handle my own. hed been lying about a lot of things, and those things were catching up with him -fast.
I wasnt the type to be shy about calling his lies at this point. I was too strong and too much was riding on just my name for me to be percieved as somme weak female. I think that word had gotten out – from my best friend at the time none the less – that I was going to call him on all the BS.
We had been driving for what seemed like forever. I knew that my gut didn’t like whatever was about to happen, but with how harsh and quickly hed grabbed me from my job and scooted me outside. rather.. he didnt scoot me outside he grabbed me and took me out the door. i guess kidnapped could be used here. mama never made a fuss since it was the end of my shift. i guess she missed that i didnt even have a chance to grab my stuff... i didnt have shit. I didn’t have any arms on me ( my brother had my .45, and my knife was with my boots.. id just been taken from work and still had my apron on) . What were the chances. And my gut knew that he had plans for after… but after what? I just didn’t know what.
Driving forever. Hed snap when i asked him a question about where the hell we were going. but what the fuck man, i didnt have my shit.. and i wanted to know what the fuck was up. this didnt feel like some prospect shit. this felt like a take me out to the desert before i take him out..
he was flying. idk about drugs, but down the freeway. we pulled into some hotel/motel lot and parked opposite the front office. the first thing that went thru my head was ive got 2 options... heh, fight or flight.
He had hopped out of the car and said to wait there. he said if i ran off hed find me. he never really talked to me that way. ususally hes tryinhg to convince me of something...i watched him mwalk towards the front desk in the mirror. I quickly rummaged thru his shit.. no knives, no gun, no bottles, no tools, nothing. damn. I found his phone, and double checked the mirror to make sure i had time still.. i opened it and went to his messages, inbox first. He had been abusing this other girl, and I was trying to tell her to stay the hell away from him but she wouldn’t listen.. (eventually she did, but by then it was too late for her as well.)checked the outbox... auto delete. damnit. what the hell is going on i thought.
and my phhone was about to die.. i checked the mirror.. here he comes. i put his phone back.
I wasn’t exactly sure where we were but He paid for the room and brought me upstairs.
fourth floor.
I remember setting my bag down and putting some hotel coffee in the brewer and telling him, as he closed the sheers and left the heavy curtains open still and locked the locks i remember telling him with my back to him if he touched me ..id shank him.
plus, i didnt know if he knew i wasnt armed- i always had something on me.. and i know that ive goten edge over him before, now more than ever was no time to be weak or show weakness. I used the bathroom. of course no windows inthere.. nothing of use in there either. washed my face in the sink.
as i splashed the water in my face part of me wished i was drowning. i felt heavy and i knew SOMETHING was coming.. I didn’t know where we were going, why we were here, or when we were leaving.. or if id be back. i didnt kick off my shoes in case i had to leave quick. hed had the tv on... and handed me a cup of poured coffee. black coffee. little sugar.
he drugged me – my drink, the coffee ,actually. while I was in the bathroom.
After that theres a lot of blurr. Things wre heavy, and streaky, I remember not feeling well, my tummy was really bothering me and my head was starting to hurt. I felt a strange rush and I knew that there had to have been something in my coffee. My phone was across the room, dead. Hed left his in the truck. I remember him closing the thick curtains.. we were on the fourth or fifth floor, I don’t remember, but high enough where no ones going to see what was about to happen- butneither would i.
I remember things getting hazy, and feeling nothing and heavy at the same time. I remember trying to threaten him if he touched me… it all came out jumbled and full of eyes rolling back. its hard to fight something when its got control from inside you.. I remember him grabbing me. I remember him pushing me, and I remember praying for a weapon or death. It was the second time in my life I ever felt helpless. I woke up mid morning.. with a swollen eye and bruises on my arms, sides, and leg.
I took a long shower and tried to shake the nausea feeling. Pulled back my hair, and looking in the mirror knew that I couldn’t tell anyone. Fuck. I couldn’t tell myself what just happened. There was no way that just happened.. but just wasn’t possible. And it wasnt possible to happen to ME, I was Sam. The Sam. Then more than ever did that have he least meaning to me. Even in typing this now I cant get the words together. Three words and I cant put them together even now. I can say he hurt me, he used me, he fucked me.. but I cant put the right word in the middle..somethng still wont let me go there.

I never shared it before. Not until now.

Something has been on my mind since I've gotten out of high school.
Time. They say that there is never enough of it, and maybe there isn't. I have been fortunate enough to make it as far as I have near completely on my own. I've got my independence, my gpa, I had my own place, I have my own car, and a promising future staring me in the eye. I'm 19 and have started writing three books, I had my first gallery showing at 16- before I even had my drivers license, started my own art business at 17, public speaking that same year, I've held a job since I was 15.. I plan to change the world for the better and the only thing that could possibly stand in my way... is time.
There is another side to everything, I cannot say that my entire story was good and there were never any obstacles- naturally occurring or otherwise. Thankfully, I knew it was all on me for what I got into when I was younger, and I got myself out of it. On that note, I was selling impressive amounts of illegal drugs, weapons, counterweighing, kiting offshore accounts, cars, parties, drugs, you name it and I was probably a part of it. Understandably that's got a great deal of negative attached to it, but I was making money, a lot of it. Granted I was taking advantage of other weaknesses but I didn't see that as my problem. To me, that's how corporate business was run, that's how families seem to be run, and at times other relationships were the same; it seemed like a common business practice- and I was a business person.
Young, smart, driven, and female (so seen as the underdog) and I realized that being the case, I had to do things better, faster, bigger, and more efficient than anyone else in earshot. I had to be quicker, smarter, more globally minded, and economical than anyone around me. Similarly to what I mentioned earlier, about taking advantage of peoples weakness for profit, I knew that I was better or would be than most of the people around me. Others I had a great deal of respect for, not only for pushing me, and supporting my mentally and psychologically, but for teaching me. I learned a good lessen of when to talk and when to listen. Everything is problem solving and logic in its truest form; and with a mindset of "if you aint in it to win it, take note and step aside" the possibility of anything imaginable seemed within reach. Academically, I've always done well, better than well, I've always achieved the top of my class, and the class ahead of me. As long as I felt that there was a rhyme and a reason, I was there; and I was on top of things (not necessarily competitive with others, but competitive with myself). I get things done.
Growing up family life was not always peachy; this is where the negativity and confusion that would at times cloud my perception, limit my dreams, and question my reality/purpose came in to play. A misconception I had at a young age was that just because someone appears to have an obligation to you meant that they had to care and vise versa- I was young, naïve, gullible, and a dreamer. Fed lies and false hope in an attempt to lock me into a false consciousness and limit me to be only as good as the next captive under a glass ceiling. A false consciousness where I was only as good as the means of containment I was placed in- a glass aquarium. It probably sounds harsh, but with everything that went on – read my book when it comes out and you'll be on the page – I shouldn't have been so stupid. Being an only child there was plenty of time to think... to think about time. Time, patients, ideals, and how to make it all happen – later I would take into consideration the "why". The conventional ways of achieving goals seem pathetic to me. I blame it on the laziness of society as a whole, but who am I to talk.
Currently I stand at the forefront of a great paradigm. I'm at a transitional point where I can either stick to the confinements of the socially accepted. Or I can move; break free, and be viewed as something different, someone who has the ability to change things a leader among innumerable faceless others who may never have freed themselves to have the perspective and drive to overcome the bigger obstacles because they're maybe unknowingly stuck in their "safe" false consciousness; but more obviously will never have the sight to question the system; and some people, hopefully not as many as I think there is, just don't care.
Currently I plan to have my bachelors in an art field, and then take that to med school for a degree in Naturopathy. At the moment, it would appear that I'm to be a student until 26-27. This is all fine and well, except that my greatest challenge is how to change the world and have a family. From my experience and just with knowing people, it seems pretty commonly viewed that after 27 things seem less awesome. More specifically, the probability of higher responsibility in contrast to the dreams of adventure doesn't seem to mesh well past that age. In trying to argue that point, I ask myself, how many people are without children in the 27-30 age range, how many have gotten an education- better yet, how many have gotten what they want out of their education or experiences in life. How many have made enough money to go have the fun they will never forget, I don't mean bon fires at the lake and tailgate parties in the desert. I mean seeing the world, showing someone something they'll never forget, inspiring someone to question anything, living in other cultures and learning other ways of life. Understanding the past and seeing what it has to say about our future.
Every now and then in the news there are stories of child genius who finish college with a degree at a very young age (maybe anywhere between 12 and 20). I wonder who their support was and where it (the drive) came from. Granted you can chuck it all up to their "natural gift", but if we are all born equally, then its how they were nurtured that made them the way they are- and I bet they are naturally self competitive and questioning the glass system they were born into. In short what I'm saying is that although I may have wasted my chance to be of the ones who have a degree before 21, I know that I could finish med school by 24 at the latest, to me, 23 seems more realistic; thus defeating the time issue. Leaving more time to do everything I will have done regardless- just with better time. Have my go at changing the world, and leaving time to have a family as well. Have a family without needing to keep them locked in a daycare center 8 hours a day on top of the 7 in the school system, sill to treat kids like prisoners when its not their fault the way things are the way they are – but that's another argument.
Why if I will do these things regardless is it necessary for me to push myself to do it sooner? Well, you could always just chuck it up to if what Nostradamus, Einstein, the Bible, and others have to say about the "end" coming in 2012; that I would like to have actually achieved something. Hahaha, the comic relief was worth it. But really, I feel like I'm not putting my full effort into things, I feel like I've got no one/thing challenging me, or supporting me, believing in the cause, etc. I know I can do it, I want to do it in the time, just to do it- for me. Then I can reap the rewards of pushing myself, testing myself, supporting, challenging, and achieving something for myself. As well as opening the doors to do everything else I've wanted to do, with more time. Imagine being able to believe, if I could do that I could do anything.. Why would I believe it? Cause ill have done it.
I would imagine that a teenager explaining how they intend to change the world, and have an 8 year degree in 5 could sound silly, laughable even. To that I say, apparently you haven't met me. I can and will do anything I set my mind to; breaking the glass walls of confinement- no problem. I've been ahead of the game and behind. I've looked at the faults when I'd fallen behind and made corrections and adjustments to myself (or at times my surroundings) accordingly. I know that I can make the degree happen in that time. So then you say, "Well then do it"; alas we've reached the inspiration for conception of this letter. To do so I would be the most successful not working at all, however I've got bills to pay and need a means to get to the classes after all. I would like to still hold a part time job until I start making monetary profit from my art on a regular basis- finding a job that can cope with a heavy school schedule is another issue. Ideally I would like to take at least 7 classes, 9 if they let me. No, I don't think that's pushing to hard. With the right support and the right challenges and a goal always in mind, who is to question my ability and potential? They say the human body can do amazing things; they haven't even started to say what the mind can do. Clearly, I plan to apply on a regular basis for grants and free money, I admit I've been slacking there, but recently started getting help from an advisor to do things the right way. As I start to be seen repeatedly in places of academia where I "shouldn't be", I would like to think that more scholarships and free money would become available.
Another option is that I take out a loan right off. I wanted to avoid loans at all costs and only go there when was absolutely necessary. But if I'm unable to get the monetary aspect figured out, it may be the only other option. Theoretically, when I finish med school at 23/24 I should be able to pay off the loan no problems, however what a total amount owed that would be! So I would still feel most comfortable avoiding loans until I have to get them. I want to be able to ask my dad if he can give me 200/month as an allowance. he never paid child support, and i dont feel any hostility or negativaty about it, but i need the help now. but i dont know how to ask him, ive never asked for monetary help from him before, and wonder if hell just give me excuses. i dont see my mom as being supportive of this.
Natalie, altho i havent been in touch with you and the family as much as i would have liked to be, you know your like a mom to mee too. I think that you of all people would understand what i mean when i say that ive felt like how am i supposed to figure out the change the world and have a family thing..and i feel in my gut and my heart that this is the answer. Im one of the biggest anti loan ppl i know, and im considering it. lol ya know? but i really do believe that this is the answer. and i think its what i was meant to do, and i know i can do it. I just want help asking my dad. lol. he doesnt know much about my past, certainly not that i used drugs, sold them, counterfited, and was raped. i dont know really how to ask him for money to help with it either. is it wrong to think that he should want to help? i dont know. im seeing more and more that the way i think family should be is not the case. i dont want to be in school until im 30. and miss out on my youth. i dont want to sacrafice traveling my dreams so that i can do the family thing. and i dont want to sacrifice being young enough to be interactive w a family if i travel and do all that in my 30's. this doesnt just seem logical to me. byt my gut, my intuition, everything feels like its how its supposed to be.
i dont want my dad to feel like im pulling his leg. and i dont want him to think im upset about the child support, cause im not. it really is as simple as i need help with this, i know i can do it, i know its right.. but i need his help. so any advice.. even with what i wrote above, if i should re write it.. idk. lol thanks in advance..and thanks for reading this whole thing.
love you!

ill miss being walking distance from the corner store, talking to my neighbors and passer byers, the paisley being down the road, work and school being at most 15 min away, the midnight swimming, the neighbors to kick it with. ill miss the farmers market and the open houses for the arts, the dude who sells fruit out of a cart, and the really good horchata. ill miss paralell parking, the quest for a spot w no parking meter, the guy who sells the cans of soda for 50 cents down by the courthouses next to the theater, the historical part of town, the art part of town, arizona art supply when i first wake up in the morning. ill miss the tall buildings, the silly narrow white concrete paved neighborhood roads, the no turn during rush hour and the one way streets and mutual lanes. ill miss 24 hour coffee, and the endless social debates, ill miss encanto park, and hanging out at the airport just to chillax and watch the people with old friends. ill miss the cafe on third avenue, the tranny hang outs on thomas, the gay district on 7th ave, ill miss grand and access to the 51 the 101, the 202 the 17 the 10 and the60 withing 10 mins, and the classic car shows every sunday. ill miss the local veg hang out, the fools at the transmission shop on thomas and the fellas at the carwash on cammelback, and the dodge theater for standup, aj's fine foods with the girl at the coffee bar and the dude at the brick oven counter, zia records on 19th avenue, and chineese food on bethany home. ill miss the radio stations, the dead presidents, roosevelt, adams, and jefferson. ill miss pizzeria bianco and the fellas at the headshops and the liquor mart, the 24 hours laundry on mcdowell, and the coinless on indian school. ill miss the coconut curry tofu with never enough sauce..lol and the people at the subway by my house. ill miss jillie at a local kickit spot, and the people of the gay dennys. ill miss that "close knit" feeling it has down here without all the fake bullshit. ill miss telling off losers everytime i/we go get groceries..shit ill miss going grocery shopping w all the ladies and talking it up with all the dudes. ill miss strolling down the block to kick it and dropping by for dinner, ill miss my place being the hang out and entertaining all crowds. ill miss my apartment.
downtown, we all love you and youre pretty rad (even when you are all blocked up with traffic and we often cant escape ;D)

i think that ive been really taking advantage of the hours i have to spend alone.. im taking more advantage now that i know my days of living alone in my safe haven of an apt are numbered and marked onthe calander.. one of the thinngs ive thought about was redefining feminism and what it is to be the woman ( i think i may have mentioned this to you before when i was talking about the owl that im sculpting), ive seen/heard a few other friends do the same.. w the man thing..heh, i guess i finally caught up. feminine to me brings an image of a womas as a thinker and free spirit, creative in both mental and spiritual principal that doesnt necessarily have anything to do with motherhood. im not sure that i conciously express this image of femininity in life, maybe in part cause it appears to fly in the face of more conventional definitions of womanhood. its kind of an anchient archetypal image, describing a fundemental facet of femininity. i think its a dimension of the (youll laugh at this line) fabric of my inner life, which needs to be incorporated into both the relationships i hold and my dealings w the world. id like to think that the intellectual gifts which belong to my inner image of woman are pretty strong and need concrete channels of expression. ..education seems to be important to me, maybe just from my roots thru childhood. travel and artistic intrists are also obviously important to me..i think that these are valid facets of my feminine nature as maybe the more traditional aspects of "womanhood".

maybe its necessary for me to look where my feelings of guilt, obligation, personal insequirities, or the vague sense that im being selfish interfere w my need to make time for this side of my nature.. i think these things are necessary for the well being of any partnership- its as important for me to share ideas with him as it is to have the satisfying emotional rapport. the more energy i give to my intellectual and artistic needs the more compassionate understanding ill hopefully have for any lack that i felt in my mothers emotional response to me - or lack of. .. so my view or my inner image of "womanhood" gives both gifts and challanges. i think that before i ever have a family/kids ill need to find a way to balance those comitments w a creative live outside of home. i dont thing that needing both detracts from my qualities as a woman, and why would it? wouldnt it instead enhance who i am because i have intellectual gifts that stretch my horizons beyond purley personal.. i also believe that ive got the energy and initiative to build a career or profesional live while at the same time enjoying the relationships im in, and if/when i have a family..then i dont see why i cant be successful w both.

im noticing that i.. im not sure i can afford to entertain too rigid or too traditional an approach to love, domestic life, and "womanhood". i say that the goddess Athena symbolicly works here. In myth, shes is a virgin goddess, she symbolizes a quality of seld posesion and inner integrity. she favors heros and stratigists; but on the dark side she is the inevitable and at time implaceable enemy of physical passio and the bonds of fmaily life (more on that in a moment). If i go with the figure of Athena, goddess of wisdom and warfare, maybe that suggests that im more unconventional than i may think, and maybe i need varied and broad ranging lifestyle. cause any relationship (romantic or otherwise) can only flower if i can be who i am - obviously. and im a thinker.. with a need for achievement, independance, and real equality in a relationship, any type of relationship.

with the time that ive had to think ive also started to near a conclusion that i need two things in life. i need work and i need love. work can either be my job, or my art, or raising a family when the time comes, taking care of you fools, bussiness needs.. and with the love part.. i dont mean that in a necesarily romantic type love. but i just need to be able to love. i dont think i need to be "taking care of" people, but indtrad being there for them. i dont think taht id say that im codependant, infact i hear almost constantly how independant i am.. but i need to love - homgirls, homies, brothers, family, pets, my man, etc. i dont think this is a bad thing.. but ithink it has its moments. i wish i could verbalize and communicate better..heh, but im tryin my best here. maybe the best way to put it is that i know that im independant in my goals and ambitions and in taking care of myself and my business. im self sufficient and i dont rely on others for material or physical things- buti do still need some emotional support/encouragement sometimes. ive come a long way with it and im still working on it amd i think that as i evolve and grow that ill be successful in whatever i choose and as an independant person.

the first two weeks of march were full to the brim with too many emotional storms, for once however, instead of letting the bad stuff get to me im talking.. more recently with my buddy Jedi Hills and doing more introspecitve (is that the word?) analysis. Currently im feeling pretty awesome. i guess im not exactly certain why- but isnt that one of the beauties of life? :) i find myself worrying over things that i have no control over.. and at another point in my life id have said quite a few words about that.. but really, worrying over such broad and ranging things that cause me to loose sleep and get gloomy depressed. -side note here, i think that some of the things im worrying about stem from caring maybe too much about everyone. i care and then i put them before me at times, nothing like when i was younger, but ill catch myself doing it still now and then. and then once i put them ahead of me, i worry over thier issues while knowing that many of them all i can do is be a shoulder or lending hand, so i worry and stress. but know its to no good. ive improved this alot in the past two years, but every now and then ill still catch it starting to happen, heh. side note number two, i think that the glomy depressed times stem from some of my own insecurities, some of which i think are a natural part of me, others i think that have been conditioned that i can trace roots back to chlidhood. i hate with a passion, that i am as sensitive as i am. i dont like to admit it because i disllike it, but i also dont like that i hate a part of who i am. i dispise the stereotypical image of woman/female, they piss me off. and i dont like the paralells that i hold to it, mainly the sensitivity part. *sigh* im learning to cope. this is actually somehting new that im learning to cope with.. ive only recently started on this one, as i think ive only recently understood and idnetified it in a way that i could work on it with.. if that makes sense.- back to what i was saying.. getting really worried over those things that cause me to loose sleep and get gloomy depressed..it just not worth it. i dont think im supposed to be a depressed, those were the worst years of my life, and i can tell you when it ended, but for the life of me i cannot tell you when it started. its one of my biggest fears since then..to get depressed like that again. im moving forward. im taking notes from the past and continuing onward. i think im figuring about out about me, which is good times.

in regards to a "romantic relationship", (and this is to no man or men inparticular) i recognize that ill have times like said where ill get down and a little gloomy, id be lying if i said that it happened once in a blue moon, its part of who i am tho AND its something im working on. granted its a part of the bullshit feminine thing that i hate..lol.. but i dont understand why its hard for a dude to take FIVE minutes, talk softly to me and then make me laugh. thats it. thatll pull me right out of the lowest moods that ive been in. maybe once a month.. thats only 12 times a year! i dont want to be in the low moods, i just end up there somehow. the dude obviously doesnt want to be near the low moods, but instead of booking out the door, why not fucking help? instead of holding something against me that i dont think i can ever completely change, why not help me.. i never understood that if the dude cared so much, why wont he help?.... damnit. lol.

with the insecurities thing.. yeah, im gonna worry about decisions im making, not all of them,but some of the larger ones, cause they have the potential of being big, and maybe big and scary.. everyone knows that i over analyze the hell out of everything before i do big decisions and i make it a point to not rush into things, and to avoid things blowing up in my face..and so far, i cant think of many things that blew up in my face after all the looking into and consideration i put into it.. but with allthe time ive spent figuring things out.. when i make my decission, ill still question and feel hesitant if im making the right choices. i know its going to happen, all i need is a little reassurance. im not asking to be praised, im asking that to be reassured of my own intuition and of my decisions. right now im doing this.. im worrying about my choice to go to school, damn near until im 27, is it the right choice? right now i think that it is.. is it hard to remind me that im passionate for these goals and why i wanted to do this in the first place? am i asking too much? im not trying to be the dumb-weak-female.. and with all my sensitivity in tote, i try damn hard, especially when i was younger to try and hide any paralells to the "female" stereotype that i so despise. im not asking to be treated differently than if a homboy was down about a dicision they were making- youd reasure them right? of thier goals and of thier intuitions etc etc, right? someone needs to correct me if im wrong or out of line here. also w the insecurities thing... no i cannot read your mind, if a dude thinks a chich looks nice, is it hard to say it? some men dig playing w hair, is it hard to verbalize that, same w whatever part(s) the dudes into.

for me, ive noticed the downfall of relationships coming when the the 50-50 thing is no longer maintained.. i like security and i like adventure. i like knowing that things are handled when it is said that they are handled, and that idont ahve to worry about them. with the 50-50 thing, id say that the end of relationships ive been in the past either ended because i could no longer trust the person, or beacause theey took advantage. took advantage in the sense that im more than willing to go with them and participate with them in thier hobbys, passions, goals, w/e; and then they burn and hate on or they took advantage in the sense that i said sure my house is your house and then they expected me to baby/raise them.. im not looking to raise a grown man, he should be raised already.

when men are talking about man shit and being big and manly and man this and man that.. what about being a real man and taking care of your woman.how bout that... fools.
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enough of that. no more thinking for today.
everyones pregnant.. (thankfully, im not included in that) i think its odd tho that everyone is at the same time.. a little awkward too..but overall very excited everyone!
ive got some new art coming out soon.. idk when "soon" is exactly, but itll happen soon enough. lol.
i saw no country for old men, and i recomend it.

things have been pretty groovy.
on one side of the scale ive been sick latley. on the other side being sick has given me the time i think i needed to just figure things out in my head. for example my job, i was starting to really have a negative attitude towards going to work everyday, and that kind of daily negativity is something i cant really have interfering w my life. the roots of the negativaty have been confronted and squared away and i look forward to returning to work on wednesday from leave.
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its february.
alot of the goals i had set for the year of 19 have fallen thru. not because i no longer desire to do them and not cause they arent goals at all, but mailny because of petty thing that happened. maybe it all comes back to drive, and i still wonder why i know i have the potential to do SO much and i know i can, and i even make the plans as how to do the things but i never do, and i still find myself procastinating things that dont need to be, and arent big and scarey ..why dont i just do them? im still not sure.
i kind of miss the best friend aspect of things. i dont know how i feel about not having one person who i know will be there no matter the mood thru and thru. ive got mixed feelings on it i guess. and i do love and appreciate the groups of friends i have, and even when i was in the hospital recently i was getting visitors and when some couldnt make it they called or texted or emailed. i think that maybe its for the better in a sense that as long as they know im here for them - which they do - then it gives me plenty of time to really work on and focus on me. theres still alot of work to be done w me. and everydays a new day, and a new chance to change it all. :)
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things with school are going pretty good. the only bad side is how many classes ive missed form being sick. i love my teachers and the classes, theyre all so intruiging and just awesome overall. theyre so awesome i wonder if the stuff is sinking in and if im learning, i know i find it interesting and i try to write it down and im involved in the debates and what not but idk what exactly im supposed to be learning. its just those types of classes. lol. my buddy took one of the classes last semester and he said it was the same way w him too, awesome time, but not sure if the info really sank in.
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nothing really profound going on right now, ... hopefully soon tho.
:)
im in a pretty good place right now, might as well take advantage right?

well yesterday around4pm i was trying to get some rest time in since i had 6am work on the weekend and 5 am work during the week w fultime schhol to follow.
somewhere along the way my breathing was starting to be impared by the sewlling in my throat.
long story as short as possible, early jan had a sinus infection (get them alot), was on z-pak for four days until my R toncil swelled PUSHING my uvula (hangy thing in throat) so that it was laying on it. my throat was open just barley a third of an inch. i hadnt eaten for four days, and on day four was no longer swallowing my saliva. fun fun. went to urgent care. shots in the ass, lots ot f antibiotics then appointment w a specialist. he said that they dont need to do anything to possibly drain the toncil - that was the worry that it was an abbcess and full of infection aka puss. so i finished the meds on the 29th. 30th my left side one was hurting. very unusual. 31st my right one was swelling what had taken 15-20 days to get bad had just done it in two days. i thought fuck. and both sides swelling was obviously scarey considering how far the one can swell.
so yesterday, the 1s,t while trying to get that rest in, i keep waking up and reajusting to be sitting up and still laying down so i can kind of swallow/ breathe. i gave up on sleep around 515p
6pm i call my boyfriend and tell him wahts up.
7pm we're on the way to urgent care cause of the breathing and the thoughts in my head of if one can get THAT big and now the otherone is playing to..then im fucked.
went to urgent care, dr there said WOW thats a big toncil, other one is pretty big too, bet you havent eaten ina while.. are you drinking, ... can you drink. i said i can swally liquids but avoid it.
he explained that the fact alone that it returned after the antibiotics would suggest that theres an abcess (the puss) because the antibiotics arent strong enough to make it stop- but were able to hold it down as long as i took them religiously, he said not even iv antibiotics are strong enough to fight it off and that they will more than likely need to drain the toncil.
this scares me.
granted ive got 13 piercing and am open to play piercing even, but a needle in the back of my throat scares the living fuck out of me.
i put my head in my hands and just breathe for a moment until i can think clearly again and say okay.
he called the other specialist that i went to earlier in jan after the first urgent care visit who id tried callin before my time resting to talk about cutting these bitches the fuck out. i cant do this back to back shit. fuck that. we talked about earliest surgery on wednesday maybe. but never heard back to confirm. so i figured i just needed to make it to monday so we can talk surgery.
so he calls him and dudes in surgery, hes PULLED out of surgery to give a say on whats best to do... and im sent to a hospital ER.
im given an iv, some iv antibiotics, morphene, some steroids, some other pain killers, and a blanket.
this new ent comes in and sprays my throat w some stuff that give you that tinggly feeing after too many mentholey cough drops.
then grabs this needle and starts jabbing me w novacane. ive got some tears rolling off my cheeks at this point and my boo holding my hand trying to comfort me. the RN had a look of sad on her face, idk how i felt about that.
he grabs this gigantic needle on like a 10 cc syringe and starts gabbing at my swollen toncil. he finds nothing for a while. but this is so painful by itself cause he sticks .. and its not bad... but he keeps puching and puching and its like damnit dude. eventually he finds some puss stuff and that hurt hella bad i was crying not like sobbing my eyes out but a good cry and trying to breathe w all the shit in my mouth. he pulled like 5 cc's of puss out. wow.
i spit blood and other stuff for the next hour or so. and was eventually discharged w info on this and that i need to do a follow up and oh by the way i have mono too?! i was like what! lol thats ridiculous... but aparently tru.
so i texted my smoking circle letting them know that more than likely thats the only place i could havee picked it up and whomever peolly didnt know they had it as i didnt know i had it. aparently i could have gotten it somewhere in the past 2 months.. i thought that was nuts.

heres the bullshit.
i called my office a little before midnight from hospital er saying what was up. and what was about to go down, and that im not sure if imstaying over night or if theyll let me work sat and sun at 6am. and i got the fax number for leave paper work just in case. i said that ill fax if i cant make it in - worst case senario.
so after hospital my boo faxes over the papers.
i was pretty worthless as my throat was still swollen and i have all these pain meds in me, so i go to bed right at 215 am, after emailing my brother in iraq who was staying online w me earlier until my boyfriend came to bring me to the urgent care.
i called just before 8am this morning to confirm w a manager that the faxes were recieved and given to the proper ppl.. and shes all "yes the fax was recieved and given to the right person, but your still supposed to call before your shift"
i think thats a bitch move considering everything. and its not like this was news.. ive been sick since january and had talked about fmla leave for after getting them removed just that day (the first)
i tried to explain i talked to a manager last night and told that if i cant/wont be in then ill fax the ER info that says return to work in 3 days.. he said nothing about calling again in the morning before my shift.
she said that it may be fine but its possible ill have other penalties because of it.
what a dick move. like seriously? really? really? is that really necessary?

i cant get them removed until after the mono passes. so hopefully that happens w a quickness.

sorry for my long rant.
its bullshit, and i needed to rant somewhere... as i cant talk right still. :-/

it had been a while since id heard from him... id damn near almost forgot the last time i brushed him off for being a jerk- but he said "hey girl :-*" and it all came flooding back. i remembered why i hadnt heard from him- hes a a dick, a fool, and a jackass. :) it only took a few minutes for us to catch up on months of cold shoulder silence. i was right, he got hurt alot quicker and worse then id ever let him hurt me..but in that time he managed to turn himself aruond. glad to hear he stopped sleeping w girls from myspace and that the one isnt really pregnant. he asked about my lovelife as if he really gave a damn, i ignored it and just went on w whatever it was we were killing time talking about. i dont remember when or in the context but i dropped a name, minutes passed w just catching up over the holidays and what not. he asked about the name. i started describing, and cutmyself off... i knew what questions hed asked so i spared the breathe and just said all the answers. he threw some low blows about how he can offer x, y, and z and how am i gonna waste my time w this dude. he wanted to know how we met and i told him. he wanted to cut him apart but i stood pretty firm- this isnt his life after all.
and its really something else to have him- a jobless dude who is pretty PROUD of the fact that he doesnt go out, hasnt gone out, only goes to school then comes home to play WoW. haha then talk about offering x y and z? sounds like a whole lotta mess. lol
as much as we dick around w eachother, i guess i still got some decent advice from the fool. i had one concern i knew i could bring up and he said his thoughts on it. i think hes wrong but hey lol cant win every time.

theres alot of stuff ive been meaning to put in here. and i knew exactly how id word it all too. now that im sitting here, room lit dimly by my comp monitor i cant for the life of me remember shit.
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maybe its in the way you look at me sometimes, or how your fingers feel sailing over my skin... it leaves me w goosebumps. what am i supposed to make of that? i know its part of the way you kissed me. heh, im such a female, that first kiss stands out fresh in my mind. and i remember it so clearly i can almost feel your lips on mine again.
theres alot of little moments that derail train from thought, and completely catch me off guard. of course i cant let you know about them, oh hell no. i will not give that satisfaction. it makes me feel vulnerable. whats silly is that w the shit luck i have w men... i feel like youve got so much of the bullshit parts worked out. which takes my breath away sometimes..again.. i cant let you know this. lol
whats wierd, what really gets me.. is i initially thought that we were looking for two different things, now .. idk what changed in my head..but i think were looking for the same. and altho i .... i hate to go jump to conclusions, i dont necessarily see falling in love happening for one reason or another. i can see a long frinedship. and good times. and your right three years is a long time.
i like that sometimes when im flighty..when my mind and my heart and my dreams are swirling all around me that you bring me back to reality gently. i like that i laugh- i really laugh! and i like that i can rest there, i feel like i cant here sometimes.
the only thing i dont like is i think i miss you sometimes. i dont like that cause thats too close to getting attached and i need to just be me i think. im not really sure but ill run w it for a while. i also dont like that you say its the low point and that this is a bad part of your life for x, y, z reasons... then change it. im just just talking.. really, just change it. life changes so easily. in a minute everything could be different. dont like it? change it.
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i see that your nearing 60 years on the planet. it scares me w how much we have in common... everytime you move.. you move for hapines.. do i?

ive got alot of mixed feelings about many things right now. somewhere along the way i started being less and less me w my money and now have that to deal with as well. currently im doing some juggling- its going well. im not too worried about it. im sure ill know when i should be.
that should be one of my biggest worries, and it is not.
actually i dont know if i have any big worries othe than the obvious waking every morning wondering if my brothers will still be alive cursing that i cant utilize my skills to assist in getting things taken care of... but ive got mixed feelings on that as well (dont want to go there now), and i talk to them online, and one gets on aim and sends ims to my phone. im glad i can talk but i dont like what i hear. (more personal note) why is it that the extreme *few* ppl that ive even considered possibly thinking about dating always announce leaving for military. and *sigh* it gets me all worked up when friends i went to school with call me saying they on leave from iraq wanna hang out? and i cant believe how many people are leaving to go... and i cant believe that this was all planned out prior to 9/11, and i cant believe that this is all over money, and i cant believe that if bush doesnt get the money he wants then the tax refunds for middle class will be delayed to at max a full year, and i cant believe that we are a democracy anymore.
that aside things have been peachy.
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this semester is coming to a close. and i dont feel like acomplished jack shit other than wasting time.
sometimes the monotony of life kills me. .. KILLS ME. daily, on the regular, every time i blink.
i notice that when i look at the bigger picture, things seem so dull.. how are they supposed to seem? when i focus on the here and now, well.. i guess they seem the same.
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i went on a not a date the other evening.- thats right, i went there- it was fun. i had fun. as in.. i really had a good time. and really, nothing happened. haha we ran errands? lol. and then just drove around. later he rented a movie and we watched it. superbad was funny as hell, and transformers was amazing in hd.
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things with her are still the same. i dont understand why she pretends that things are better than ever, when nothing has changed at all. dont blame your bullshit problems on me. but, BUT, what are the chances that the sudden and random anger and hosility the i feel when im around her are her own feelsings that are repressed. just let me explain. not by choice but just cause weve been in such close proximity for so long that and the relation to one another.. she mentioned that she sees a some kind of councelor, idk why or what for of if she still does. but im thinking her negative energy is such a large thing that it attaches itself to me, and im fine right quick if i ground myself, im instantly relieved....
what about when meditating on getting rid of a specific pain when another person in close proximity to you starts complaining about feelling that same pain..i think this is the same thing, like ive got the field too large or soemthing, lol, and they are instead feeling my pain. so how many people out there are going to the store or to the dr and getting treated for someone elses pain. alot of the time its just cause thier own energy isnt getting to that part..right, so this just goes to reenfgorce everything they say about meditation being a healing thing. which, brings me to a happy point of i am plannin on being in illinois for a meditation clinic partially for these reasons. very exciting. i just need to call them.
ive got another half hour until im off tonight.
ugh.


its the people.
fuck thier ears.
faceless crowds.

its november. theres something about that fact that makes a smile slowly creep onto my face. i like romantisizing over fall. i like pretending that as i walk around sipping cocoa in fuzzy slippers and matching pajamas while reading a pile of favorite books over, listening to great music, and spending time w the only male who will never hurt me - mr. sexy - that outside there is an amazing phenomena of nature(maybe not phenomina but u know what i mean) ... i like to think about how at that very moment if i opened te door there would be a cool dry breeze.. and leaves swirling down the street. and people in fluffy jackets, and people walking thier dogs while its still sun light out, and the nights! the nights being cold i like to think that they are just cold, clear skied nights.
i know part of my misses ny when i find myself flirting w thinking about being anxious over when will someone call and be like "hey man, pick up some marshmellows, were having a small get together in the back yard by the fire pit and smores will be invloved" fuck yes. lol. but i dont think that phoenix will offer up these words. i definatly dont hold up much hopr for groups of friends like i used to.. i know some folks do but not with the way thing have been.
for example.. the first.. idk... 10 people i think of.. well they could all be in the same room or around a fire pit eating smores and smoking,- maybe one or two saying that they wont go if another person is there- but i see some tension w some of them and thats no good. what ever happened to family away from home. yeah.
what ever happend to ... just good times.
i have plenty of good times. haha im like one of the happiest people i know.
but when im out w any one or group of ppl. i know where the tensions are and its strange.
shit happened. get past it.
why does the shit keep happening to you? cause you put yourself in situations for shit to happen.
why is life so boring that you text me all kinds of depressed moods asking if theres something wrong w you or sad that your home alone again and yadda yadda? because your a dumbas.
thats right
your a dumbass.
grow the fuck up.
shut the fuck up.
get the fuck over yourself.
realize this: you are living in a shot glass. the world is quite a bit larger than a shot glass.
also...
stop fucking calling me! all depressed.
and we even went thru this yesterday.,.. you call me all depressed.. and its nothing new, ssdd. and i offered many differend ideas and avenues of relief etc.. and you shot each one down. also as i said.. you called me for attention you ninny! there was nothing i could have would have should have siad that you wouldnt have shot down. so why are you calling me - dork!
then sob sob sob, "but is there something wrong w me in a females eyes?" sob sob. yes. yes there is. grow the fuck up!

well.
honestly.
typing all this up makes me feel alot better.. hahaha.. im like jolly n shit now. niiiiiice.

in recent news, i finished that drawing heres a camera phone pic:


it came out decent. and i learned some stuff thats what counts.
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its true what they are saying, you know.. about where youve gone, and where youve been. and its sickening in a way.. everybody has there own predictions of what they are just so cinvinced will happen with you now. i feel detached. its wierd. for how close we used to be... i dont really know how to explain it. and its no better or worse just different. i dont know what else to say.
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and now.. a song ive been listening to non stop.. and it makes me happy i think its supposed to be depressing but i find it uplifting somehow.

This next one goes out
To all the depressed women in the house
Whether you're taking the prozac the zanex or the paxil
Whatever the hell they put into that capsule
I want y'all to come up to the front of the stage
Grab me a shot of something along the way
Put smile on the front of your head
And sing with me
Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
This time, this time is a good time
Good times
Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
And this town, this town, is A good town
A good time. A good time
You know while she's sitting by the window, she's waiting for her prince to come
And here I am on the opposite side of the room trying to pretend that I'm not that dumb
It gets older told and full of cold, but did I mention that it's well deserved
No let's make A mess no let's make A baby, no let's make some hell on earth
Do you mind if I turn out the lights, if I'm going to be alone I'd rather do it in the dark
So I stare at half of A beer half wishing that the transmission would stay in park
She keeps the music down, so her neighbors don't complain
Keeps the drama up, so she doesn't forget the pain
I keep my ? inside the reaction
And hide my pride inside of my laughter
It goes
Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
This time, this time is a good time
Good times
And I'll never forget the day you woke up
To find A whole different world underneath your socks
Forgot to check your pockets before you the checked the cost
Yes mamm, I saw the sign, no mamm I couldn't stop
Drop off, now look who got water on the lawn
Whatever it takes to calm your tongue
If this livingroom fills with anymore fuss
I'm going to cut my finger, I'm going to paint these walls
If anybody watched us
They probably called the cops, cause
Its obvious that neither one of us can adjust
Discussion becomes disgust
luck be the lady I thought she would save me from the bum-rush
Enough is enough, but how much is too much
Why am I still just A sheep to your touch
Why can't I ever fall asleep at dusk
Why do I need to see everything crushed
It's A big map girl, it's yours if you asked
If it dont wash up to the shore you wont discover it
Stand to get hotter then your head with that other shit
Swallow it to chase to follow the suffering
But I'm still smiling, still up to no great
Still trying to relocate
Somewhere I'm going to find some work that matters
Til then all you get is my smirk and my laughter
It goes
Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
This time, this time is a good time
Good times
Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
And this town, this town, is A good town
A good time. A good time

awesome song.
also has the best pick up line EVAR!! lol.
well ..
work. so ill end this.
end

also, a thank you to the aries who asked how i can go to meditation retreats and listen to icp. i think my response was along the lines that i dont listen to them hardly anymore and that it means something different than the literal words that they say - if that makes sense. i like how i suck at writting, thoroughly entertaining/frustrating.- ive thought. and thought. and meditated. and thought. and wrote .. i wrote alot, way too much - but considering it went w a certain chapter of my life i guess its to be expected- The empire has fallen. i say that w some serious tones, but also w a sarcastic lightness mocking how seriously the music/scene/whole thing is taken. its interesting writing this now; i cant put my finger on why tho. i remember when i started listening to them, i really do, i remember where i was and what i was doing and all that detail..and the sky. (this is gonna get real lame real fast so well rush thru this) i remember thinking to myself how i just wasnt convinced i was like these fools all around me - haha! - i think it was just the "i gotfirst appealed. that and of course a little your back you got mine" that bit of "f*ck the mainstrem". but after that i think i really just got into the cartoonized stories, and i caught on to what they would say. a little graphic- yes, a little hate filled- definatly, a little redundant- surely. but a good time and quick laugh as well. ( i think thats it for the stale part of this, we'll see). in playing the lyrics in my head of my favorite songs, they are all about "the family", and one is depressing that i identified at particular point of growing up. i tried to listen to icp recently.. i I'd like to weigh in here and say that...... even though I was a big fan of icp and esham and blaze while I was a youngster, I cannot listen to their songs and enjoy them anymore. i obviously cant be there while this is being read, but i kind of expect laughter. i guess i laughed too. like.... dude..what was the hang up. ive been saying since the begining that "the family" had its flaws in soo many ways a good share of good intentions and bad ideas im sure..but SO many dummies at the same time and stupid shit that ive always been against.. like fighting violence and rape with, you guessed it, violence and rape. whats the deal? . i still support the family aspect of it..and other things.. other generes, whatever. .."to live alone one must be an animal or a god" -jedi mind triks. im get closer to figuring out that the more i inflect (is that a word? like..relefcting upon myself?) or i could just be full of it, and running on no sleep and hungry. i still listen to twiztid. its ..fun. haha i totally paused. nah but really, its fun and i laugh and bop down the road to songs about partying and music and boobs, cause who doesnt like boobs partying and music? maybe i should put the hatchet down.. maybe i still need a broken hatchet... maybe i should wear it an still remember what it once was. but when it got to the point a grip of time ago where lil eric tucked that shit in his shirt so that other ppl who were down would start dummying him up..
there are obviously an innumerable number of definitions for juggalo.
ive got mine. but i cant put it in words. but id say music has nothing to do w it, other than it coined the word... and i say its being real. thats a little over simplified, like i said i cant describe it. but im a student because im willing to use the system to beat it, im an artist because i appreciate more than just one part of life, im open because i believe in truth, im always there (prolly cause im a cancer) but because i think everyone needs a hand/shoulder sometimes, i do what i like, and dress as i wish, i like [questionable things ( piercings etc)] because i think its fresh, and i smoke because i like it. :D
idk how good/weak that was.
i know there are rather strong opinions on icp and the hatchet. and some of my hatchet buddies are the best ive ever had and i wouldnt trade them in a minute. i feel like ive gotten off topic alot here, in regards to meditating and the music.. like i said i cant enjoy them the same anymore. i can (vaguly) remember parts that were funny, but - and i feel like a tool for going here- i dont see the need for that kind of violence even as being used in a way of cartoonized examples of anti biggotry etc etc, why? because the main general public is stupid. and takes things for face value if they even get that far, and if you were to repeat something over and over thats gotta manifest some bad, and i dont -and the world dont need that.
im sure ive rambled enough here for a while. i think i said what i meant to. im curious as to your reply.
and dont get mad but i totally would say yall are juggalos too. :P seriously, tho love you guys.
later.